The Toxic Fresh Air of the West Coast
So after spending nearly a month on the west coast, I have realized that there is something in the air here that changes people. This change has a multitude of very strange effects:
1. Perfectly respectably east coast socialites suddenly feel the need to become xtreme sport junkies. For instance, a certain person I know who used abhor a walk in the park...seems to want to climb an over-due-for-eruption volcano one saturday morning. Also regular sports are not impressive here. I play soccer, but unless I play it on a natural field at the top of the rockies naked, I am the punch line of out-of-shape jokes.
2. Apparently as a side effect to the xtreme sports symptom is that everyone is in bed by midnight. The cities shutdown as people need to sleep before their 6 am canoe portaging expedition the next day. So if you have arrived from the east coast, do not bother to adjust your clock by 3 hours, assume midnight is 3am and you'll have no problems with timings. Oh and don't bother to set an alarm, the complementary hotel yoga instructor will wake you at 6am.
3. The airborne toxin seems to cause a stigma associated to going to a club. You can never have a club for the sake of having a club. In my time here, I discovered a club disguised as a mall, one disguised as a bowling alley and another that was apparently called Pro-club which is usually a gym but doubles as a club at night.
4. This toxin has a side effect on fashion sense. Apparently, hoodies and pyjama pants are acceptable dress attire to fancy clubs. Perhaps this is to promote the disguise of going to the gym/Proclub. If you are wearing a button down shirt, you are ridiculed because what would happen if you were suddenly required to go xtreme kayaking in the rapids later that evening!
5. Also in the air is the government's secret test hormone to cause the growth of earthy beards. Everyone seems to have them. Perhaps it is to give everyone the Man in the Mountains look and thus invite them to the extreme sports held in said mountains.
6. The hormone also seems to cause slow driving. No one drives over the speed limit. They are programmed to cruise control at 65mph in the fast lane. While I start singing that Dennis Leary song...they are busy stimulating the growth of earthy beards in the car.
7. Also pertainent to the driving is the lack of street lights on major highways which results in people driving even slower. To compensate, the government as added lighting to ski-lifts in the mountains to help guide you towards them in case you are in dire need of an alpine adventure at night.
Grr... of the Day
I am staying at the very fancy Grant Hyatt downtown in Seattle. The room here is fabulous, bed is very comfortable. and the blinds are an electronic contraption that open and close on demand by a switch. The only complaint I have is that I have not for the life of me been I had not been able to find the switch for said blinds. After a night of discovering the sun comes up at 6 bloody o'clock am, I desparately attempted to avoid another early morning. I tore apart the beautiful room like a cyclone and finally called the front desk to help find the switch. Unfortunately the earthy bearded yoga instructor they sent also came at 6am. After a rather unbelievable attempt to contort his body to look behind the bed and over the bedside table he discovered that the switch is coveniently located behind the lampshade and labelled "shade". Apparently, the west coast extreme sports requirement includes contortion of the body to find the shade switch.
1. Perfectly respectably east coast socialites suddenly feel the need to become xtreme sport junkies. For instance, a certain person I know who used abhor a walk in the park...seems to want to climb an over-due-for-eruption volcano one saturday morning. Also regular sports are not impressive here. I play soccer, but unless I play it on a natural field at the top of the rockies naked, I am the punch line of out-of-shape jokes.
2. Apparently as a side effect to the xtreme sports symptom is that everyone is in bed by midnight. The cities shutdown as people need to sleep before their 6 am canoe portaging expedition the next day. So if you have arrived from the east coast, do not bother to adjust your clock by 3 hours, assume midnight is 3am and you'll have no problems with timings. Oh and don't bother to set an alarm, the complementary hotel yoga instructor will wake you at 6am.
3. The airborne toxin seems to cause a stigma associated to going to a club. You can never have a club for the sake of having a club. In my time here, I discovered a club disguised as a mall, one disguised as a bowling alley and another that was apparently called Pro-club which is usually a gym but doubles as a club at night.
4. This toxin has a side effect on fashion sense. Apparently, hoodies and pyjama pants are acceptable dress attire to fancy clubs. Perhaps this is to promote the disguise of going to the gym/Proclub. If you are wearing a button down shirt, you are ridiculed because what would happen if you were suddenly required to go xtreme kayaking in the rapids later that evening!
5. Also in the air is the government's secret test hormone to cause the growth of earthy beards. Everyone seems to have them. Perhaps it is to give everyone the Man in the Mountains look and thus invite them to the extreme sports held in said mountains.
6. The hormone also seems to cause slow driving. No one drives over the speed limit. They are programmed to cruise control at 65mph in the fast lane. While I start singing that Dennis Leary song...they are busy stimulating the growth of earthy beards in the car.
7. Also pertainent to the driving is the lack of street lights on major highways which results in people driving even slower. To compensate, the government as added lighting to ski-lifts in the mountains to help guide you towards them in case you are in dire need of an alpine adventure at night.
Grr... of the Day
I am staying at the very fancy Grant Hyatt downtown in Seattle. The room here is fabulous, bed is very comfortable. and the blinds are an electronic contraption that open and close on demand by a switch. The only complaint I have is that I have not for the life of me been I had not been able to find the switch for said blinds. After a night of discovering the sun comes up at 6 bloody o'clock am, I desparately attempted to avoid another early morning. I tore apart the beautiful room like a cyclone and finally called the front desk to help find the switch. Unfortunately the earthy bearded yoga instructor they sent also came at 6am. After a rather unbelievable attempt to contort his body to look behind the bed and over the bedside table he discovered that the switch is coveniently located behind the lampshade and labelled "shade". Apparently, the west coast extreme sports requirement includes contortion of the body to find the shade switch.
posted by Megalomaniac at 11:14 AM
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