The South shall rise again
So since you pathetic fools still read my blog - I am obliged continue posting. Damn you all for being so convincing. *twitch*
My current location is Columbus, GA. That's right Georgia *twitch*. Landing into Georgia I had a great many preconceived notions. I will list the ones that have been proven true:
1) Southern Politeness - No matter how wretchedly hideous your face nor how obcence fat you are, you are still referred to as "dollface". Everytime I try to cut someone off on the road - they seem politely wave me in. I've been driving like a maniac just to get a rise out of these people and I swear they have been reprogrammed somehow against road rage. It effectively increases my road rage as I have no outlet - thus I have developed a *twitch*.
2) Southern Friendliness - Everyone seems to be overexuberant in telling you in detail the family history from all possible cases of leporsy to when their uncle committed suicide. *twitch* Often a multitude of stories are told in a single run-on sentence as so:
"...the convention centre was an old abandoned iron mill back in the 1800 that was when my great uncle tim killed himself over the ridge which you can still see to this day the site when its believed the great Henry Rodgers himself lived to tell of the days when he was trying to get the river to subside over the..."
3) Southern History - I have learnt that "Historical Site" is a euphemism for abandoned building we don't want to spend money to repair and that anyone, anytime can suddenly make something a Historical Site. *twitch*
4) Southern Food - Today we went to a highly acclaimed diner for lunch that resembled a soup kitchen. Patrons stood in line for their choice of gruel, fried okra and a side of clogged artery sauce that is made from what can only be described as purified and concentrated cholesterol. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if cholesteral is a prime export.
5) There is a great need for one to explain to others the nuances between y'all and all y'all. When confronted, the locals reply "well one's the plural silly." *twitch*
6) Cleaning one's collection of guns is a favourite passtime and their are multiple places that advertise the sale of unique and rare weaponry. All such establishments are also able to sell liquor....
7) Sweet Tea is the elixir of life. Those who oppose will be used as target practice (see 6).
Grrr. of the Day
After the gruel fiascos, for dinner I decided to be as plain as I could be and order a plate of fries rather than the creative side dish of fried okra. A couple of days ago there were rather horrible tornados that ripped around this town. Somehow people's houses were destroyed as were malls, schools and people's livelyhoods. Of course the useless rickety historical sites were conveniently avoided - but the entire supply of french fries into the city was devastated. My room service arrived with a complimentary plate of fried okra.
My current location is Columbus, GA. That's right Georgia *twitch*. Landing into Georgia I had a great many preconceived notions. I will list the ones that have been proven true:
1) Southern Politeness - No matter how wretchedly hideous your face nor how obcence fat you are, you are still referred to as "dollface". Everytime I try to cut someone off on the road - they seem politely wave me in. I've been driving like a maniac just to get a rise out of these people and I swear they have been reprogrammed somehow against road rage. It effectively increases my road rage as I have no outlet - thus I have developed a *twitch*.
2) Southern Friendliness - Everyone seems to be overexuberant in telling you in detail the family history from all possible cases of leporsy to when their uncle committed suicide. *twitch* Often a multitude of stories are told in a single run-on sentence as so:
"...the convention centre was an old abandoned iron mill back in the 1800 that was when my great uncle tim killed himself over the ridge which you can still see to this day the site when its believed the great Henry Rodgers himself lived to tell of the days when he was trying to get the river to subside over the..."
3) Southern History - I have learnt that "Historical Site" is a euphemism for abandoned building we don't want to spend money to repair and that anyone, anytime can suddenly make something a Historical Site. *twitch*
4) Southern Food - Today we went to a highly acclaimed diner for lunch that resembled a soup kitchen. Patrons stood in line for their choice of gruel, fried okra and a side of clogged artery sauce that is made from what can only be described as purified and concentrated cholesterol. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if cholesteral is a prime export.
5) There is a great need for one to explain to others the nuances between y'all and all y'all. When confronted, the locals reply "well one's the plural silly." *twitch*
6) Cleaning one's collection of guns is a favourite passtime and their are multiple places that advertise the sale of unique and rare weaponry. All such establishments are also able to sell liquor....
7) Sweet Tea is the elixir of life. Those who oppose will be used as target practice (see 6).
Grrr. of the Day
After the gruel fiascos, for dinner I decided to be as plain as I could be and order a plate of fries rather than the creative side dish of fried okra. A couple of days ago there were rather horrible tornados that ripped around this town. Somehow people's houses were destroyed as were malls, schools and people's livelyhoods. Of course the useless rickety historical sites were conveniently avoided - but the entire supply of french fries into the city was devastated. My room service arrived with a complimentary plate of fried okra.
posted by Megalomaniac at 7:39 PM
2 comments
